🇺🇸 The Importance of Financial Independence in a Healthy Relationship

Early in my marriage, I looked to my husband when it came to paying for “things” outside of our normal monthly bills — things like vacations.

So there I was, plodding along, paying my monthly bills, likely carrying some credit card debt, and hoping he’d have some magic pot of money somewhere so we could go on vacation here and there.

Quite understandably, when I would propose a vacation, he’d hesitate because guess what?

We hadn’t really set aside money for it.

So where would that money come from?

A reasonable question.

But because I was lacking the financial literacy I have now, I would get frustrated — and sometimes even upset.

No bueno.

Eventually, I decided to start setting aside money myself for the things I knew I wanted.

It started with vacations, but the lesson became much bigger than that.

I learned how to save.

Not just for the bills that were coming, but for the things I wanted. For the things I didn’t see coming.

And even for little luxuries, like getting a massage, without feeling like I needed to ask someone else whether we had the money for it.

To be clear, my husband wasn’t controlling our money or telling me what I could and couldn’t spend.

I simply hadn’t created any financial breathing room of my own.

And once I did, something changed.

I felt more independent.

Not independent from my husband.

Financially independent within our marriage.

Time to Wake Up

I’ll be honest, this took years of self-reflection and being honest with myself about where I was coming from.

After all, I was raised in a family where my dad handled the money, for the most part, and provided financially for my mom.

It wasn’t a negative power dynamic. It was simply a more “traditional” type of marriage when it came to money.

But as it turns out, I’m wired more for a 50/50 partnership when it comes to marriage — whether it’s money, chores, or whatever other give and take happens in a relationship.

Equal agency, equal responsibility and equal voice.

And I simply didn’t like feeling like I “had to ask” my husband for money for things I wanted.

But eventually, I had to be honest with myself about that, too.

If I didn’t want to feel like I had to ask someone else for money, then I needed to take responsibility for building financial resources of my own.

If there were things I wanted to do — vacations, massages, whatever — then I needed to develop the habits that would allow me to afford them.

So I did.

I learned to save.

I learned to plan ahead.

And eventually, I learned that financial independence wasn’t really about who paid for the vacation or the massage.

It was about knowing I could take care of myself.

Two Independent People, One Financial Life

To be crystal clear, our finances aren’t split evenly down to the penny. That’s not what I mean.

But it does mean that we adjust as needed to make sure we feel balanced, wherever we are in life.

That balance can depend on who’s making more money at the time and how we shift bills between ourselves.

It can mean deciding together whether one of us will increase or decrease our savings or investment contributions, how we’ll handle a large bill, or even how we’ll pay for something fun.

Either way, it’s a genuine partnership. Our money is intertwined, yes, but we’re moving through life together financially instead of operating as two completely separate entities.

Hubby is a big runner — he does ultramarathons (anything longer than 26.2 miles), and it costs money to have the right gear and nutrition, travel to races, and pay the race fees themselves.

That’s his passion, and he spends some of his money there.

But he’s also our lawn service, pays a smattering of our household bills, contributes to his 401(k) and our son’s college expenses, and brings plenty of other things to our shared financial life.

I have my own priorities and contributions, too.

I love spending time with hubby and our son traveling here and there. I also have my photography business, which generates some additional income for us.

I handle another group of our household bills, meal plan, cook some of our meals and take care of plenty of other things that keep our little operation running.

And when it’s time to plan a vacation, I now have money specifically set aside for it.

Instead of wondering whether we can come up with the money for a trip, I can propose ideas to hubby and our son that fit within the budget I’ve already created.

Then those two just need to help decide where we’re going and what we’re doing.

See the difference?

We’re still making the decision together.

I’ve just taken responsibility for making sure the money is there for something that’s important to me.

Leveling Up

I took this mindset and put it on steroids, creating our Vacation Fund, December Fund, and then another savings ‘pot’ of money here and there to handle unexpected things like car repairs.

And I’m telling you, having financial independence — and really, financial agency — has made my marriage stronger.

As I developed the habit of saving for things before we planned to spend the money, our approaches to money became much more aligned.

It reduced conflict between us and brought both joy and peace to financial decisions that once could have caused frustration.

And perhaps most importantly, it gave me the voice in my own healthy relationship that I always wanted—but wasn’t always clear on how to get.

Not because my husband was keeping that voice from me.

I just had to learn how to use it.

The goal isn’t to need your spouse financially. The goal is to choose to build a financial life with them.

🐝 That’s the buzz for today!